I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You're like the curious george of whores
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
