I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
