I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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