If that was your dad, he is hot
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize