Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
