I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
