420 ftw
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
