a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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