i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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