This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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