I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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