My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
