Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
