dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize