He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
