if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
