The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
