I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
