4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
