why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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