Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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