Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize