Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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