You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
