I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
