you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
