If i come over, it means nothing
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize