At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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