i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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