He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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