our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
