My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
