Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How does it feel to date your dad?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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