Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
