I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
