he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
