i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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