4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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