So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize