Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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