guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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