May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
