I want to stick my p in your. b.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Randomize
