Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
People in love make me want to vomit
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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