my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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