I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
