i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
