I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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