I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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