I will die if light touches me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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