You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
