im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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