he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
