When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Mom said you looked used
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
