"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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