i dedicated my morning wood to you.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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