Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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