I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
