watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
