I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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