Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just blew my weed a kiss
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
