I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
