a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
