Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
