He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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