R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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