I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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