Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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