I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
