I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
